Reflecting Hugs

It was a beautiful visit...
Kind of like healthy church
Meeting of the minds...
I felt like we entertained angels.

I loved hugging you,
wrapping your energy
your unconditional love
breath of heaven in my arms.

You are reflecting wounds that have healed
inside me.
You are reflecting the divine Love of God
who breathed the breath of life in me.

Self Love

Last night I stood in the doorway of our bathroom.  I saw my reflection in the mirror and had a really amazing moment.  I saw the mother I had always wanted my whole life.

This fascination I have with seeing myself in a mirror started when I was 3 yrs old.  I climbed up on our piano, saw my reflection and said to my mom, "Yep! That's me!"
She (my mother) wrote this down in my book of Sharon-isms.

Often I have found myself admiring women from a distance, wishing they were my mother.  They appear to nurture well.  They are attractive and well kept.  They are confident and just all around attractive to me.

When I saw myself in the mirror last night and saw all these qualities, I smiled to myself, took a deep breath and felt complete.

I dreamed all through the night of my biological mother, my Godmother and all those who have been surrogates.  In my dream I was nurturing them, holding them and hugging them the way I wish I could feel hugs.  When I woke up, I had dreamed I felt "grown" inside my own skin.

When I climbed out of bed, I found that I was carrying myself differently.

I felt attractive, filled up, and ready to be the mother I always wished I had.

This feels interesting to come out of my mouth, yet it is how it feels.  "This is beautiful!  This is what is attractive to me.  I feel attractive, beautiful.  I love myself."

Hugs Come In Many Forms

Hugs come in many forms.

If I can trust one or two people to wrap their arms
around my story and hold a safe place to heal and grow,
physical contact never has to happen.

If I know, all of me, my woundedness and scars
are being held, listened to and looked at, without judgment,
then the part of me that held poison can let that go.
It can be filled with love.

Sometimes that is all it takes to heal.

Feelings of a Sea Anemone

If my feelings are not wrong or right, they are just feelings/data,
the other people are also free to feel without judgment.

What a liberating thought!

How wonderful to feel like a Sea Anemone,
waving on the ocean floor
as creatures and other living things go by.
Some brush against us.
Some hug us.
some find their way inside our hearts.
It doesn't make the Sea Anemone bad
when it feels all these things. 
It just means that is alive!

The same principle applies to humans.

I Feel

I stood up tall.
Held my arms straight out on each side.
Faced upward to the sun, eyes closed.
I inhaled a deep, cleansing, breath of fresh air.

Wrapping my arms around the sunbeams,
pretending to embrace the warmth of the sun,
I felt the hug of two arms.
Arms that have wanted to be wrapped around love.

I thought to myself, "I feel".
That is all.

And for now that is the most radiating thing in the world.
I am alive and awake and dreaming.  I know this because
I feel.

No Wrong - Good energy

This afternoon a friend of mine, who has made it clear to everyone that she does NOT want to be touched came up and asked if she could hug me.

I opened my arms and said, "of course."

She didn't just wrap her arms around my shoulders, she pulled me to her.

I held my breath at first, unsure.

Then I decided to go with it and I inhaled and hugged her back.  In an effort to respect that she doesn't love to be touched, I loosened my arms...in an non-verbal "letting go" kind-of-a-way.  

She didn't let go.  In fact she hugged me tighter.  So I squeezed her right back.  

She thanked me and told me she needed that.  

Wow.  No "wrong" actions.  No feelings that left me feeling strange.  Just good energy.  Really good energy.

ALIVE!

I sat there, in session, intent on knowing how to handle "these feelings".  Previously, I had disclosed to my therapist that I have come to recognize I have all these feelings I am not sure what to do with.  I feel attractive.  I feel worthy of love.  I am beginning to feel amazingly beautiful, inside.  In addition, I am recognizing that I feel an attraction to other people and just am not sure what to do with those feelings.

So we sat, and I was very clear as to what I needed to confess.  What do I do with feelings I am not sure I allowed myself to recognize or have before?  For example, I see a beautiful person.  I am attracted to that person's energy, or beauty or maybe there is a physical attraction.  Perhaps it gives me butterflies or causes my heart to skip a beat.  What happens then?  What do I do? Do I repent and make sure I never see that person again?  Do I allow the feeling to flow through, knowing I will never "act" on it?  How does that work?

I went on to process.  Since all the boundaries were crossed when I was a child, from black and white to many shades of gray, with physical touch of another person, I still get a bit nervous out of fear that I may even feel a bit "too alive" when hugging someone. 


My therapist is objective and has boundaries set very well.  I knew she could help.  I asked what to do.  She gave several examples.  Turns out, my "gut feeling" on dealing with these feelings as they arise is spot on for being a healthy adult.  I am doing very good.  Nothing is amiss here.

 But how would I have known that? According to my parents, especially my mother,  hugs were considered wrong.  No mixed-bathing in the pool.  No hugs from men by women or vice-versa.  Guess they didn't want to take a chance on having to process the feeling of another touch.  Hhhmmm.  Some of this "conservativeness" is too much.  It leaves too much to the innocent imagination.  Once that imagination has been bombarded with bad touches of abuse, and all hugs, both good and bad cease out of fear of "feeling", then one is left to assume all touches are bad.

I cannot wrap my head around that thought process, nor do I wish to go there.  I just want to feel free to be me without fear of getting it wrong.  And today, I learned that I am getting there.  I am being set free.  I am free to feel whatever I feel.  I am not wrong for feeling.  And I know me.  I will make the right decision on what to do with ALL of my feelings.  I am not wrong for being alive.  That is extremely good because I do feel so ALIVE!  I think I love this! This just may bring me a deeper joy, this "being alive".

Hugs.  Just lots and lots of healthy, amazing hugs!