ALIVE!

I sat there, in session, intent on knowing how to handle "these feelings".  Previously, I had disclosed to my therapist that I have come to recognize I have all these feelings I am not sure what to do with.  I feel attractive.  I feel worthy of love.  I am beginning to feel amazingly beautiful, inside.  In addition, I am recognizing that I feel an attraction to other people and just am not sure what to do with those feelings.

So we sat, and I was very clear as to what I needed to confess.  What do I do with feelings I am not sure I allowed myself to recognize or have before?  For example, I see a beautiful person.  I am attracted to that person's energy, or beauty or maybe there is a physical attraction.  Perhaps it gives me butterflies or causes my heart to skip a beat.  What happens then?  What do I do? Do I repent and make sure I never see that person again?  Do I allow the feeling to flow through, knowing I will never "act" on it?  How does that work?

I went on to process.  Since all the boundaries were crossed when I was a child, from black and white to many shades of gray, with physical touch of another person, I still get a bit nervous out of fear that I may even feel a bit "too alive" when hugging someone. 


My therapist is objective and has boundaries set very well.  I knew she could help.  I asked what to do.  She gave several examples.  Turns out, my "gut feeling" on dealing with these feelings as they arise is spot on for being a healthy adult.  I am doing very good.  Nothing is amiss here.

 But how would I have known that? According to my parents, especially my mother,  hugs were considered wrong.  No mixed-bathing in the pool.  No hugs from men by women or vice-versa.  Guess they didn't want to take a chance on having to process the feeling of another touch.  Hhhmmm.  Some of this "conservativeness" is too much.  It leaves too much to the innocent imagination.  Once that imagination has been bombarded with bad touches of abuse, and all hugs, both good and bad cease out of fear of "feeling", then one is left to assume all touches are bad.

I cannot wrap my head around that thought process, nor do I wish to go there.  I just want to feel free to be me without fear of getting it wrong.  And today, I learned that I am getting there.  I am being set free.  I am free to feel whatever I feel.  I am not wrong for feeling.  And I know me.  I will make the right decision on what to do with ALL of my feelings.  I am not wrong for being alive.  That is extremely good because I do feel so ALIVE!  I think I love this! This just may bring me a deeper joy, this "being alive".

Hugs.  Just lots and lots of healthy, amazing hugs!