Reflecting Hugs

It was a beautiful visit...
Kind of like healthy church
Meeting of the minds...
I felt like we entertained angels.

I loved hugging you,
wrapping your energy
your unconditional love
breath of heaven in my arms.

You are reflecting wounds that have healed
inside me.
You are reflecting the divine Love of God
who breathed the breath of life in me.

Self Love

Last night I stood in the doorway of our bathroom.  I saw my reflection in the mirror and had a really amazing moment.  I saw the mother I had always wanted my whole life.

This fascination I have with seeing myself in a mirror started when I was 3 yrs old.  I climbed up on our piano, saw my reflection and said to my mom, "Yep! That's me!"
She (my mother) wrote this down in my book of Sharon-isms.

Often I have found myself admiring women from a distance, wishing they were my mother.  They appear to nurture well.  They are attractive and well kept.  They are confident and just all around attractive to me.

When I saw myself in the mirror last night and saw all these qualities, I smiled to myself, took a deep breath and felt complete.

I dreamed all through the night of my biological mother, my Godmother and all those who have been surrogates.  In my dream I was nurturing them, holding them and hugging them the way I wish I could feel hugs.  When I woke up, I had dreamed I felt "grown" inside my own skin.

When I climbed out of bed, I found that I was carrying myself differently.

I felt attractive, filled up, and ready to be the mother I always wished I had.

This feels interesting to come out of my mouth, yet it is how it feels.  "This is beautiful!  This is what is attractive to me.  I feel attractive, beautiful.  I love myself."

Hugs Come In Many Forms

Hugs come in many forms.

If I can trust one or two people to wrap their arms
around my story and hold a safe place to heal and grow,
physical contact never has to happen.

If I know, all of me, my woundedness and scars
are being held, listened to and looked at, without judgment,
then the part of me that held poison can let that go.
It can be filled with love.

Sometimes that is all it takes to heal.

Feelings of a Sea Anemone

If my feelings are not wrong or right, they are just feelings/data,
the other people are also free to feel without judgment.

What a liberating thought!

How wonderful to feel like a Sea Anemone,
waving on the ocean floor
as creatures and other living things go by.
Some brush against us.
Some hug us.
some find their way inside our hearts.
It doesn't make the Sea Anemone bad
when it feels all these things. 
It just means that is alive!

The same principle applies to humans.

I Feel

I stood up tall.
Held my arms straight out on each side.
Faced upward to the sun, eyes closed.
I inhaled a deep, cleansing, breath of fresh air.

Wrapping my arms around the sunbeams,
pretending to embrace the warmth of the sun,
I felt the hug of two arms.
Arms that have wanted to be wrapped around love.

I thought to myself, "I feel".
That is all.

And for now that is the most radiating thing in the world.
I am alive and awake and dreaming.  I know this because
I feel.

No Wrong - Good energy

This afternoon a friend of mine, who has made it clear to everyone that she does NOT want to be touched came up and asked if she could hug me.

I opened my arms and said, "of course."

She didn't just wrap her arms around my shoulders, she pulled me to her.

I held my breath at first, unsure.

Then I decided to go with it and I inhaled and hugged her back.  In an effort to respect that she doesn't love to be touched, I loosened my arms...in an non-verbal "letting go" kind-of-a-way.  

She didn't let go.  In fact she hugged me tighter.  So I squeezed her right back.  

She thanked me and told me she needed that.  

Wow.  No "wrong" actions.  No feelings that left me feeling strange.  Just good energy.  Really good energy.

ALIVE!

I sat there, in session, intent on knowing how to handle "these feelings".  Previously, I had disclosed to my therapist that I have come to recognize I have all these feelings I am not sure what to do with.  I feel attractive.  I feel worthy of love.  I am beginning to feel amazingly beautiful, inside.  In addition, I am recognizing that I feel an attraction to other people and just am not sure what to do with those feelings.

So we sat, and I was very clear as to what I needed to confess.  What do I do with feelings I am not sure I allowed myself to recognize or have before?  For example, I see a beautiful person.  I am attracted to that person's energy, or beauty or maybe there is a physical attraction.  Perhaps it gives me butterflies or causes my heart to skip a beat.  What happens then?  What do I do? Do I repent and make sure I never see that person again?  Do I allow the feeling to flow through, knowing I will never "act" on it?  How does that work?

I went on to process.  Since all the boundaries were crossed when I was a child, from black and white to many shades of gray, with physical touch of another person, I still get a bit nervous out of fear that I may even feel a bit "too alive" when hugging someone. 


My therapist is objective and has boundaries set very well.  I knew she could help.  I asked what to do.  She gave several examples.  Turns out, my "gut feeling" on dealing with these feelings as they arise is spot on for being a healthy adult.  I am doing very good.  Nothing is amiss here.

 But how would I have known that? According to my parents, especially my mother,  hugs were considered wrong.  No mixed-bathing in the pool.  No hugs from men by women or vice-versa.  Guess they didn't want to take a chance on having to process the feeling of another touch.  Hhhmmm.  Some of this "conservativeness" is too much.  It leaves too much to the innocent imagination.  Once that imagination has been bombarded with bad touches of abuse, and all hugs, both good and bad cease out of fear of "feeling", then one is left to assume all touches are bad.

I cannot wrap my head around that thought process, nor do I wish to go there.  I just want to feel free to be me without fear of getting it wrong.  And today, I learned that I am getting there.  I am being set free.  I am free to feel whatever I feel.  I am not wrong for feeling.  And I know me.  I will make the right decision on what to do with ALL of my feelings.  I am not wrong for being alive.  That is extremely good because I do feel so ALIVE!  I think I love this! This just may bring me a deeper joy, this "being alive".

Hugs.  Just lots and lots of healthy, amazing hugs!

Please lift me

One full week minus a day or two have been filled with positive energy.  The positive touch of hugs are tugging at my healing heart.  New heart strings are beginning to branch out and I am allowing them to be nurtured by other people who come into my space with positive energy.

So, I wasn't expecting the little "air-pocket on the plane" feeling, when it showed up on Saturday.  I had awakened to a feeling of sheer joy.  My inner joy is back.  It is rebuilding a foundation deep inside.  It comes bubbling up like an artisan well.  I allow it.  It feels good.  To have a "block" of the sun, to notice sad music began to scroll through my mind as thoughts of "what if I fall into the abyss of depression again" began to surface.

My level of anxiety, which was previously flat-lined began to increase over the course of the day.  I panicked.  All of a sudden, there I was, pigtails, maybe three or four years old, standing at the feet of one parent or the other, Mama or Daddy.  I wanted, I needed, I was begging to be lifted up.

 I emailed my therapist.  I am learning to fly solo.  I am learning to fill my own bucket.  And sometimes, I need a coach.  I need a surrogate to fill in the gaps.  She is that person for me.  So, my conversation via email went like this.

     I am feeling really hopeful and content. I feel that there is an excitement brewing for something positive, even though I don't know what. Maybe because I am working toward the goal of finding me and my next adventure.
     In the midst of this, I feel an unsettling anxiety (not huge) but it has built throughout the day. The thoughts of "what if I plummet into depression again? What if I feel like a lost kid again? What if I see my wounded self again for what it was?"
     I don't want to feel that I have abandoned the little me again. Yet I am so enjoying the beauty of who I am becoming.
     I guess I just need to know if this is normal. And I need to know that even though we have taken some training wheels off this ride, you are close enough to help me slow down before I crash.
Does that make sense? 

She responded:

      Yes. Makes sense. Know that how you feel will follow what you think about.  I would be shocked if the automatic negative/anxious thoughts just disappeared. It's a journey. Keep redirecting to the new, the thoughts that feel good. Just because you think it doesn't make it true. 

    And yes, I'm here.

The amazing relief that went through me was as real as the initial feeling of being picked up by my parents at three and four years old.  This is how it resonated through me.

    Thank you... For responding with directions. I will follow them.   Thank you for reassurance and for "lifting me".  It may sound corny to ask for it.  And I have decided not to be ashamed by it.  

I find it interesting that I have the same emotional reaction inside when you respond after I get the nerve to ask, that I did when I was little.  I was so little I would raise my arms to be "lifted" and I'm not even sure my hands touched either of them at the waist.  But to be lifted up and to wrap my arms around shoulders that held me, felt safer than anything I know. 

I don't know if we even have words for some of the feelings we experience as adults while healing through some of the worst traumas of our lives.  I am unsure what to call the way I am transported to safety without sounding like I am on a Star Trek Episode.  What I do know is the familiar, safe, security that I feel when my heart opens wide up and a three year old blonde with a little dress and pigtails steps out of it.  She is brave and courageous.  And she is willing to step forward, arms raised and ask to be lifted into the arms of breath-taking safety.  And, if I continue to watch her, she will wrap her tiny arms right back around the shoulders or neck of that security, lay her head on the shoulder of that safe place and thank that person who "lifts" her from whatever scary memory chooses to scurry through her mind.

Being lifted is all it takes to banish the negative thought process from the ebb and flow.  One day, I'm going to be a "lifter".

Hugs

The mundane feeling of building the business can get to a Director of Marketing when there is a huge slump in sales.  From time to time, I have to remind myself why I chose this particular position to begin with.  Today was one of those days.

I have worked hard on my relationships in the community, both professional and with local neighborhoods.  My attention to detail with trends for the month have brought a sense of defeat.  So, I gathered my will to put one foot in front of the other and kept my commitment to a marketing/networking luncheon today.

For several months, I have closed myself off to the possibility of allowing anyone within two feet of my personal space.  This is a change for me since I grew up being an expressive, demonstrative, and hug-gable kind of person.  So, I walked into the meeting room, which was about the size of a hotel lobby.  There were about forty people gathered and I know almost everyone of them.  In fact, I have been in the area for nearly 20 years and these folks know my name pretty well.

It was no surprise that I was greeted with smiles and hellos.  What caught me off guard was the fact that I opened my arms to receive hugs.  At first a person or two came up and said my name pretty loud and hugged me with a pat on the back and back-a-way kind of hug.  Then every person standing around began to hug me.  The hugs began to feel like bear hugs.  I realized as I opened myself up more and became more vulnerable to the hugs, the better the hugs became.

By the time the meeting started, I was walking on the clouds.  My sense of failure had turned to achievement and success.  It caught me by surprise to the point when it was my turn to speak, I dared take a detour and stepped out of the "marketing/sales pitch zone".  I talked about how incredible it felt to be received with open arms, smiles, and having my name called out with such enthusiasm.  I talked about how we can all make a difference in every life if we hugged more.  Each of us are here to serve in healthcare.  If we could just be vulnerable to open up and share the Love and a simple but powerful hug, it would be so well received.

The atmosphere of the room changed.  Everyone clapped.  Some were giggling at me.  Others smiling big and asking for more hugs.  One guy who came in late asked if he could have a hug since he didn't get to one.  So, I hugged him.  This kind of energy is contagious.  It is so needed.  It is healthy.  It is a happy kind of place to be.

After the luncheon I went back to my office.  Within half an hour, one of the professionals from the luncheon walked through the door, asking to speak to me.  She said "You are contagious.  Your energy is infectious.  No wonder everyone wants to hug you!"    Then she opened her arms and said, "Can I  have a hug?"